Desire....or love?

I deserve more. I do. That's the bottom line.

I deserve more than making out with a random guy on a street corner. I deserve more than an ex contacting me after months of not talking to me. I deserve more. i deserve more than a fumbling encounter in my bed. I deserve more than another ex stalking me to the point of no return. I deserve more.

I've come to notice in the past few years that I am something quite amazing. That is not me being arrogant or ridiculously over zealous. I am somewhat of a force to be reckoned with. And you know what? I deserve something better than what life has been giving me. I deserve love! And lots of it, not just from friends, but from a man, not a boy, but a man, that is willing to give me the love I deserve. i know it won't just fall into my lap, but I am sick and tired of just waiting for it. I am done playing these games of infatuation and desire. I don't want a good fuck, I want someone to love me, for me. At any shape or size I choose to be!

I need some more time, to figure out the hard things in my life that I have been dealing with. But I can honestly say that I am open and ready for love, so, bring it on boys!!!

Cleaning, skating and other things.

I needed today. I really did. It is a day off from work where I am actually getting things done instead of just sitting around the house. I woke up early, ran an errand, and then got straight to work.

First, i cleaned out my craft room. Yes, I have my very own craft room! I have not been making anything because it has been so hard to find anything in there, it was a mess! But, now I can start crafting again! How exciting! I cleaned the whole room from top to bottom and, let me tell you, it looks sparkling! I also hung up an amazing collage of pictures that Tracey made me for my birthday. This is a very special collage, because it is so heartfelt and the pictures are of something I truly love and miss doing. Tracey filled 5 frames with pictures of roller skates and derby action shots, even a little girl skating.

If you know me, then you know that I played roller derby for 4 years. Beyond that, I have roller skated my entire life, starting when I was probably 6. I was a competitive roller skater up until 7th grade, even placing second at Nationals. I joined derby a week or so before my 21st birthday, and from then on I was hooked. It was a true thrill! I met amazing people and was in amazing shape. Unfortunately I hurt my back, gained 50 lbs, and couldn't skate very well anymore. On top of that I had a falling out with 3 people that are still involved with Detroit Derby, and needless to say I retired. I wish I could say that I never looked back, but sometimes it's all I think about. I loved it! Why shouldn't I be doing it? I don't know if I will ever return to the Detroit Derby Girls, but I am going to start skating again. I lost those extra 50 lbs, so I have no excuse not too. I am going to clean out my skate bag and go skating Sunday evening, so if anyone wants to join me, feel free!

I am in a brilliant mood, I can't stop smiling. I had a fabulous birthday with my friends and family and received amazing presents. Work is good, yet exhausting, and I am making decent money. Spending my day off cleaning is actually rewarding. It's nice to have a clean house to come home to. I really do enjoy it.

Well, I need to get working on my bedroom, love and zombie bites as usual!

Lisa

Trips, falls, and missing your best friend.

I had planned on going to Portland this Summer to see my sister. And I want to, desperately. I miss her very much and want to see her. But, I can't afford it. Yeah, I'm making decent money, but that is an expensive trip, something that is just out of my reach for now. So, I am planning on going next Spring instead. Long time to wait. Oh well.

I still get vacation hours though and my manager asked me to start thinking about when I would want to take them. So, depending on whether or not my mom has surgery again this Summer, my plan is to go to Philadelphia for about 5 days to visit Laura. I'm really excited about this, I haven't been on a trip in a year and a half, and I haven't driven anywhere besides Cleveland for a while. Plus Laura and I will get to have great adventures, hopefully with Becka as well. I miss Laura and the friendship we had, and now that we are both so busy, we barely talk anymore. So, this would be a chance to just have fun together and laugh a lot, which we both probably need. And of course there will be wrestling on lawns (not hardwood floors this time)!

Although I am excited for this trip, I am still really sad that I can't make it to Portland. Sometimes, I feel like there's a whole in my heart where my sister should be. We talk, and skype and all of that, but she's not here. I can't tell her everything as it happens, I have to tell her the bits and pieces that I remember. There are no movie nights, and craft nights, where we talk and laugh and cry into all hours of the night. She is my best friend, the best one I will ever have, and I miss her immensely. I know she moved because she needed to live her life, and it is probably better that we are not so dependent on each other anymore, but I miss that feeling of always having her to fall back on, to know that someone is always there to catch me. Trust me, I have amazing friends and parents that do those things for me too, but there is nothing like having your sister, your best friend, there for you. I just want to be a part of her life and not just get snippets of it. One day maybe I will move out of state, and off to the west coast. Seattle seems like my kind of place, and then I could actually see her more than once a year. Who knows?

Love and Zombie Bites. xox

Lisa

Overcoming trepidation, breathing fire and the high I've been riding.

I have to be honest. After my last post I really was nervous to post anything new. I was kind of jilted by the reaction it got from a particular person. But honestly, I'm going to keep on keeping on. If anyone doesn't like what I write or feels the need to tell me that I shouldn't be posting such personal things on the interweb, well, that is just their opinion. And I have the right to make my own choices, even if they may turn out to be mistakes.

I am seriously loving my life right now. I have a good job, an amazing family and fabulous friends. The one down side is that most of my friends live in a city that is 20 minutes away from my house. I spend about 3-4 nights/days there during the week, whether it be at Kristy's house or at the local bar. I want to live there so badly! If I didn't own my house, I would definitely be renting a flat right now and walking everywhere (except for work, which would be a further drive). It would be so nice just to be able to walk to my friend's houses and not have to worry about driving home. The nights that I spend there are also not short nights, they last into the wee hours of the morning and are always a blast.

So, my thought is to move there within the year, I want to fully rent out my house, to loyal renters, and get out of here! I think it has been something that has been in the back of my mind for a while now, but Monday night pretty much made me realize that I want this to happen.

Monday evening was spent sitting with Andrea while she worked Happy Hour, and included a visit to Danny at another bar, seeing new friends and having fun. Andrea and I then went over to Kristy's house and had a couple of cocktails until Danny came home. At some point, Kristy turned to me and said "Let's breathe fire!" Now, she is skilled in this, so it wasn't some random act of being tipsy, and I quickly found myself practicing with water, and then all of a sudden I was breathing fire! What a fucking thrill!

Now, if you know me, then you already know that I have an obsession with everything carnie-esque. Side shows, burlesque, fire, sword swallowing, all of it. It has been a long dream of mine to breathe fire, but I have never had the guts to go to a local fire arts group's practice, even though I have been invited. So, I have never done it. And now I want to do it all of the time, literally, I can't stop thinking about it. I want to breathe fire, and learn how to eat fire, and then turn it into some form of burlesque act. UGHHH! It aches how bad I want this to happen!

So you are probably thinking, why does she want to move just so she can breathe fire? Of course, that is not why I want to move. I want to move so I can be closer to my friends, so that I don't have to make them worry when I drive home. But also, I love that place, and have grown quite accustomed to getting around down there. I came to the conclusion that I wanted to move because every single time I go there it is a night to remember. And I now that living there wouldn't mean that every night is a party, I do know that most of my nights would still be spent doing stuff at home, but if I wanted to have my girls over, they wouldn't have to drive so far. They could walk to my house!

I feel like I'm rambling now, and maybe I am, but I'm really looking forward to making this happen. And maybe I have already been browsing places in that neighborhood on Craigslist. Maybe.

Love and zombie bites.

Lisa

Happiness Part 2.

Top 5 things that make me happy:

1. My dad, grandma and my mom. My dad is something else, he would give anything for his family and always takes care of us. He makes me laugh, and cry, and is and probably will always be the best man I have ever known. Yes, I'm totally a daddy's girl! Grandma Lulu helped raise me, I look like her, and I have a lot of her qualities, good and bad. She is full of sass, loves to get drunk and talk into the wee hours of the night, and is all around a wonderful woman (now I know where I get it from!). There will never ever be anyone to compare to her, I love you Gramma! And last but not least, my mom. We fight a lot. But, in the past few years I think we have really gotten to know and respect each other. She is someone that I can tell a lot to and she listens, and always loves to laugh with me.

2. My sister. I know her by many names, Shmoopy, Slut, HoBag, Hooker, best friend and just simply, Erin. I love this girl! And I miss her immensely. It's very hard when your best friend and sister lives on the other side of the country. I want here here so badly. She is an amazing woman, and has taught me so much about life, I will never know how to thank her.

3. Buckley and Falcor. My dog and my cat are the cutest things ever. There is nothing better than walking into the house after a long day of work and being greeted by these two. Plus, they're my cuddle buddies and I love them!

4. My friends. Laura, Kristy, Andrea, Tracey. These girls are what makes life fun! Not only do I have a blast with all of them, but I can also talk about anything with each girl and vice versa. I love love love love love these girls, and always will.

5. Having a job and a house. In Michigan during this recession it is very hard to have either of those things. I am lucky I'm not homeless and I'm lucky to have a great job.

What makes you happy?

Love and more zombie bites.

Lisa

Happiness.

I have been depressed for all of my adult life. Well, it started back in 3rd grade, really.

There was no triggering event. Sure there have been things that have happened through the years that have made me fall deeper into that hole. But, there was never a big bang, so to speak. I have a chemical imbalance in my brain. My mom deals with it and so does my grandma, so maybe genetics has something to do with it. But, maybe not. Who knows? All I know is that it exists and I have to take medication to control it. Every day I take 2 little pills that don't necessarily make me happy, but they put me on a level that I can choose to elevate or decrease. I still have bad days, but we all do, but finally, most days are great and I enjoy them immensely.

I have been to two different therapists in my life. I don't like them. I do not enjoy the idea of sitting across from someone and spilling my guts. The thought kind of scares me, but mostly it makes me tired. The thought of going through that mental exhaustion does not appeal to me. I do like to keep things in, but there are a select few people that get to hear the bad and the good. Therapy works for many people, and I don't think it is a bad thing, just not for me. I chose medication, and after years of getting the combination wrong, I think my doctor and I have finally gotten it right. The only time that I get truly depressed is if I subconsciously stop taking my meds. Which unfortunately does happen from time to time. I get in a phase where everything is good, I am very happy, and then I stop taking them. Not because I outright choose to, but I think sometimes I wish I didn't have to take them, so I think I will be fine without them. I am usually not fine without them. The sadness starts to creep back in like a fog, and it takes me a while to find a way out. But I have discovered that the only way out is with medication.

Some people don't believe in medication as a treatment for depression. They believe it is strictly an emotional problem. That is fine if that is your opinion, but just like believing one is born gay, I believe that people are born with this ailment. Sure, some people have a large triggering event that can cause depression, but a lot of people I have talked to have just always been depressed. Like I said before, I know that I have a chemical imbalance. Some people just do. It's unfortunate but it is something I deal with on a daily basis.

I recently dated someone that was severely depressed. So depressed that they would physically throw up from worry and sadness, and they would hide in their home and not come out. It wasn't every day, but it was often, so much so that the good days were few and far between. This person was amazing when they had a good day, someone that just connected with you, had brilliant things to say and knew so much. But on those bad days, that would sometimes turn into weeks, you couldn't even reach them through that sadness. I pleaded with them to seek help, and he wouldn't even consider it. Whether help to them was therapy, medication or just personal remedies, it didn't matter, just do something. They never did and that is why our relationship ended, I am blossoming and I can't be pulled down by that kind of depression.

So, I say to you, world of the internet: If you or someone you know is dealing with depression, whether mild or severe, please advise them to seek some form of help. It doesn't have to be therapy, or medication, there are many other ways that you can just reach out to others and not have to deal with this on your own. I know it's scary, I have been there, but I guarantee that you know people that are not only willing to listen, but also understand that it will take time for you to become yourself once again. Please know that you are never alone.

This post was in honor of Mental Health Week.

Love and zombie bites.
Lisa

A trip down romance lane.

Ok, so here goes my post on dating and what I have been going through lately.

I was a late bloomer. Not in the sense of my body, or mind, but in a dating sense (trust me, I had these tits in 6th grade!). I started really dating when I was 20, and I had no way of meeting men, so I did what came naturally and discovered the wide world of dating on the internet. I've been on every site, you name it and I've joined it. That was how I met people. I have never dated a man that I have not met on the internet. Weird.

So recently I decided that this was silly, I was meeting all of the wrong kinds of people. Sure, some turned out to be great guys and some turned into long term relationships (Nick and Joe). But most of my experiences were with very sheltered and insecure guys. And like I said in my previous post, that is not who I am anymore and I should be meeting people that don't bring me down in any way. So I decided to delete all of my online dating profiles and stop looking for anything that wasn't natural and organic (which I should start doing with my food). And so far I have discovered that this decision was good, but not easy by any means.

I have learned that if you don't introduce yourself (or get introduced) then you never meet anyone. I have also learned that men are just as judgmental as women are. On top of those things, I have learned that I have absolutely no patience and expect instant gratification because that is what I have been getting online. You see someone's profile, you message them, they check you out, then message you back, and soon enough you're chatting and meeting and then fucking. Very simple. I like you, you like me, let's hook up. In real life it is much harder to express to someone that you are interested, without just blatantly saying "I like you". How does one slyly flirt without outright giving everything away. Sure, I love the chase, just like anyone else, but I also hate the waiting and wondering and agonizing over whether or not your arm's touching meant anything. I just want to know if you like me, so tell me before I get bored and move on.

Of course, I currently have a huge crush on an acquaintance that is quickly becoming a friend. How does one express interest without ruining the aspect of friendship? I want to tell him constantly that I like him, but my friends continually remind me that I should take things slow and let things develop, whether or not it turns into something or we end up as friends. I am taking things slow, not rushing into it, but I honestly can't get the guy out of my head. I feel like a little school girl sometimes, and I don't know how to handle it. Our arms touch in conversation, our legs are touching, there is leaning and laughing. It means something on my end, and I think I am flirting, but is he flirting back, or is he thinking, "Damn, won't this girl stop touching me?". I know I am over-analyzing, and I really shouldn't do that, but sometimes you just have to get it out to process it. Exactly why I started a blog!

It is going to take me a while to get out of this mode of finding out instantly that someone is interested. I am going to have to re-learn how to flirt and how to do so without giving too much away. I am really excited about it though, and am looking forward to this new journey. I'm sure there will be heart break and longing, and all of the internal agonizing that comes with it, but isn't that the fun part?

Love and Zombie Bites. Always.
Lisa.